Feud Royale
by lovethepumpkinhead
Summary: Peach is kidnapped by Bowser, and the two of them annoy each other. A lot. Originally titled "The Really Awesome Koopa", the first chapter's a shaggy dog, but the second chapter I'm actually quite proud of.
1. Peach: The Really Awesome Koopa

**A/N: This fanfic is the stupidest thing I've ever written, and quite possibly the most pointless thing you'll ever read. Because of this, I won't pretend that this is one of those serious fanfics and instead get right to the point. Also, I won't pretend to be a good writer, so all of the writing in this fanfic is horrible. You may be asking, "why are you writing this?" To which I respond: I just want to write a shaggy dog. :P**

"Well, well, my dear," said Bowser. "It looks like once again, I have captured you. This time, I have made sure that Mario can't possibly save you. Nervous?"

Peach said nothing, instead opting to play with her brooch. Bowser had always made this sort of thing, and each time. . .well, you figure it out.

"You ain't saying anything, my sweet."

Once again, Peach said nothing, and Bowser laughed.

At that moment, Bowser Jr. entered the room, carrying a plush Goomba and a blue blanket. "Dad," he yawned, "I can't sleep. You laugh loudly."

"I do?. . .oh! I do!" said Bowser, and he grinned. Then, as an aside to Peach, he said, "Make yourself useful and tell Jr. a bedtime story, and make it about me."

Peach then got a sly look on her face and said, "Ok, I'll play this game. What would you like the story to be called?"

Bowser was deep in thought, shouting out names such as "Bowser: The Renegade" and "The Koopa Menace," only to reject each one of them. Finally, Bowser Jr. shouted out, "How about, 'The Really Awesome Koopa!'" Bowser nodded his head in agreement that this was a good title. Peach then cleared her throat, and started to tell her story:

"Once upon a time, there was a REALLY AWESOME KOOPA-"

"-named Bowser." interrupted Bowser.

". . .named Bowser-"

"-who was a million times better than Mario."

". . .yes. Anyways, the REALLY REALLY AWESOME KOOPA decided that he was so awesome that he decided to have a tournament to show everyone how awesome he was."

"Did he invite Mario?"

"Are you telling the story, or am I?" Once this made Bowser quiet, Peach continued. "Everyone in all the Mushroom Kingdom was invited, from the smallest Boo to Birdo, and yes, even Mario."

Bowser grinned.

"One by one, each competitor did something. Maybe they sung. Maybe they told jokes. Who knows? But everyone knew that the only real compitition to the REALLY REALLY REALLY awesome Koopa was Mario."

"Oh, really?" said Bowser. "What was so special about him?"

"Well, Mario was a doctor, a plumber, a racecar driver, but NOBODY knew that Mario was a magician. So, Mario did the standard magician's fare, and for the grand finale. . .he pulled a Goomba out of his butt!

"The REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY awesome Koopa laughed, and said, 'Is that all you can do?' He then proceeded to make fire fall from the sky, fed the masses only using a single fish and a loaf of bread, and walked on water. He topped that off by turning all of the water supply in the Mushroom kingdom into wine! 'Beat that!' he said.

"Mario then proceeded to. . .pull TWO Goombas out of his butt!

"The REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY awesome Koopa laughed and laughed. The winner of the tournament was obvious.

"Now, there was a princess in the Mushroom Kingdom who was fair and wise beyond her years" (here she giggled) "She happened to be watching the contest with her friend, who was also a princess. She only wanted to marry the best, and she came to the tournament to see the best."

"And?" Bowser said wistfully in a tone that made Peach rather uncomfortable.

"Well, when they were giving out the awards, she walked up to the Koopa and told him, 'You know, I really don't think you're **that** awesome."

There was a long, uncomfortable silence in the room.

"And then?" said Bowser.

"What do you mean, 'and then'? This is the end of the story!"

Bowser was getting ready to put fire to the room when he realized that Jr. was fast asleep, snuggled up in his blanket.

"Grr. . .I'll remember this! And I'll get you back!" he said, and he stomped out of the room.

**Chances are, I won't write the next chapter, simply because this chapter sucks. But whatever. Flame away.**


	2. Bowser: The Love Potion

* * *

_**A/N: Yay! I finally know what I want to do with this fanfic!**_

Princess Peach walked absentmindedly through the halls of Bowser's castle, pondering the day's events. Today was April Fool's day, so surely, Bowser must have thought of SOMETHING to get her back with by now. In fact, it was this topic that woke her up today.

_Flashback_

_Peach woke up to Bowser Jr. jumping on her bed._

"_Rise and shine, princess! Have we got a surprise for you!"_

"_ugh. . ." Peach rubbed her eyes, and by the time she opened them, Bowser Jr. was staring at her. I mean, straight at her. With his mouth open. And he had horrible breath. "Surprise. . .for me?"_

"_You better believe it!" said Bowser, as he walked right in. "Today I planned the biggest, baddest prank of them all, and no matter what you do, you're going to walk right into it! I **will **get you back by the end of the day!"_

_Peach yawned. She was in no mood for Bowser's foolish chatter, so she walked downstairs, completely ignoring him. Not that that did any good._

_The next living thing she came across was a koopa guard. He was a top ranked officer, and Peach wondered why Bowser hadn't used him against Mario yet as he approached._

"_Hey, princess!" (here, Peach waved a bit reluctantly) "Did you hear the news? Mario has died!"_

_Peach froze. She wasn't quite expecting that. Her face turned white, and tears started forming in her eyes. Additionally, she felt as if her mouth dropped ten stories down. Mario? Beaten? By BOWSER?_

"_Ha, ha! April Fool's! I was just kidding, princess."_

_This angered Princess Peach to no end, but, at the same time filled her with relief. Her beloved Mario was alive and well. At that same instance, realization dawned on her. It was April Fool's day. THAT'S why Bowser looked so excited that morning!_

"_Is that the best Bowser can do?"_

"_Oh, no. That wasn't Bowser. That was me. What Bowser has planned is so super secret special awesome that it is beyond human comprehension to describe. Trust me. You'll fall for it, even after having a thousand April Fool's pranks pulled on you today."_

_Peach sighed, but at least she knew to remain on her guard. She then continued on her way to breakfast._

Princess Peach had since eaten breakfast and lunch, (and had had minor pranks played on her and the inhabitants of the castle, you know, "you're shoe's untied" and, particularly amusing to the Princess, Wario and Waluigi coming to visit Bowser for the sole. gloating purpose of offering him a share in Wario Ware. . .only to decline Bowser's acceptance afterwards. That made Bowser angry for an entire hour) and was now on her way to dinner. So far, nothing happened yet. The only thing that really annoyed her was that every person she met in the hallway talked about Bowser's super secret special awesome April Fool's prank. She just wanted to get the holiday (and the prank) over with.

Upon arriving in the kitchen, she sniffed in a most delectable scent. Immediately, she could trace the smell to the pot in the middle of the table. In it was the most perfect looking soup she had ever seen.

"How'dya like it, princess?" asked a voice from behind her. Peach turned around and saw herself looking at Bowser, who was dressed in a white tux. "I made it myself. I had to make it just right for the occasion!"

Princess Peach found several things odd with this situation. For one thing, Bowser was joining her for dinner, a rarity whenever she was captured. For another thing, he was wearing a TUX! A **WHITE** TUX! Thirdly, he made the soup himself, and. . .

He made the soup himself. That was it. That was the prank.

"No way I'm sipping that soup, Bowser. Its a love potion designed to make me fall in love with you."

At that moment, Bowser Jr. came in, bowl in his hands, and begged for soup, which his father happily gave him. He drank it all with one big gulp. A whole minute passed, and there were no side effects.

"Well, I guess that this soup isn't enchanted after all," said Peach, and she delicately filled her bowl. After she sampled the soup, Bowser starting laughing.

"Tough luck, princess, but that was a love potion designed to make you fall in love with me."

"What!? . . .how. . .How is that even possible?"

Here, Bowser grinned. "Kami Koopa has a few tricks that even you don't know about!"

"But. . .I'm not falling in love with you," said the princess.

"Ah! That's because it takes effect midnight. What kind of evil mastermind would I be if I didn't see my victim suffer in their final moments?"

Peach excused herself from the table and ran up to her room.

Several thoughts wandered through her mind at the moment, and I'd be a really shitty author if I didn't try to explain them.

The first feeling was of absolute revolt. Her? In love with HIM? But she loved Mario!

Or, did she like Mario?

They had only gone out on friendly outings before, and had never even so much as kissed, save for a few platonic kisses of gratitude for rescuing her.

Shoot, she thought. The potion's starting to take effect by minimizing my friendship with Mario! The man who saved me from Bowser, who she was about to fall in love with against her will. What she had lost tonight was the most precious gift that was ever given to her: her freedom.

But her inner antagonist brought up a good point: What if Bowser was setting her free?

She had never considered that possibility that Bowser could do that. Wait. This is a trick. The potion isn't taking effect yet! Oh, but it is! Perhaps she was just trying to find the good in her future lover. Well, if she was going to love him, she might as well make the best of it.

So, what could she love about him?

Well, he loved his children and was awfully proud of himself. AND every little thing he did WAS for her. In a way, this was somewhat romantic. He tried to rule the universe at one point to impress Peach. What had Mario ever given her other than friendship?

Was she seriously thinking this?

She continued fighting down these thoughts until all of a sudden, the clock struck twelve. It was midnight.

And then. . .and then. . .

A wave of euphoria enveloped the princess. She. Loved. BOWSER!!! She was free! No longer required to be good, she was now free to be an outlaw. There was something romantic about being an outlaw that she couldn't grasp, but. . .BOWSER! She rolled on her bed in ecstasy, laughing and squealing. It was in this state that Bowser found her in.

"Princess?" he asked.

Princess Peach sat up.

"What are you doing, my dear?"

Peach looked puzzled, then giggled. "I'm happy because I love you, Bowser!"

At that point, Bowser looked puzzled, then he laughed.

"What's so funny?" asked the princess.

"That wasn't really a love potion you drank, you know."

"It wasn't!?" Now Peach blushed, ashamed of herself.

"No, I gave you normal, every day soup. The prank was to get you nervous about a side effect that would never happen, then, at the end of the day, point and laugh at you. But THIS! Now, this is what I call a perk! Come to daddy!" said Bowser, with outstretched arns,

"Hmph." Peach crossed her arms and turned away.

"But you must admit, Princess, that for those several minutes, you did love me. For those several minutes, you actually would care if Mario bested me! And that. . .is the most evil thing I've done to you yet!" said Bowser, as he continued laughing.

Peach sighed, knowing that Bowser was right, even though she didn't want to admit it.

_**Wow. This chapter turned out way differently than I had originally intended it too. Originally, Peach wasn't going to fall for Bowser, and this whole thing was intended as a huge middle finger to the reader. But as I was typing it, I tried a different approach. I like this version better.**_


End file.
